Words that couldn’t be said caused the greatest misery. – Anonymous
It was his last few days on that desk. Almost everything was as usual. A half filled lukewarm cup of black coffee, a small heap of papers scattered untidily, a blue pencil that he borrowed from someone and then forgot from whom and a mug cum pen stand with some pictures on it. In the far corridor few familiar faces rushing to the cafeteria, guess it was almost lunch time. But he wasn’t feeling hungry at all, blankly staring into that colorful screen of his. Last two years were flashing in front of his eyes. Presentations that ran till late, meetings which made him skip his planned breakfast and lunch, hiding into corners when he tried to be funny and no one in that room got that, proposals that he nailed, it was all there in that 40×45 ft room with wooden partitions here and there. He started it all with the other two, they were inseparable and it turned out great for their little venture. They saw ups and downs together. They had disagreements, big ones but they made it through. They fought over ideas sometimes for weeks and months. They did all-nighters and some of them were not at all fun. They lived on crumbs sometimes literally. They put a part of themselves in it, together. But they were just about to make it through and a grand one. But he couldn’t be a part of this. He just couldn’t. Only if he could tell them why he is leaving. Only if he could make it easier for them.
You know your life has changed when you no longer crave for a birthday cake nor you need a birthday bash. Just few close friends and family will do the trick.
This year on September 27th I turned umm…. let’s say plus one than how much older I was on my last birthday. 😛 😀 This was different in many ways. My younger brother came to visit me. I have not been home in around eight long months. This is the longest I have been away from my home. I was missing home and he was also missing me, well not exactly me but our fights :D. I do not remember when I was with him last on my birthday. It cannot be any less than a decade. So I could not ask for more and happily cancelled all of my plans. I took one day leave and we went for shirdi darshan on 26th. He wanted me to have divine blessings. Although I am not a believer, I prefer to respect other’s belief. We visited the famous Shirdi and the Shani Shingnapur. Later one is well known for God Shani’s temple and holds a place in The Guinness book of World Records.
We came back to Mumbai around 11:15 in the might. I am not a big fan of cake, neither is my brother. At midnight, I blew one candle and cut a walnut pie instead of innumerable candles which I would have added to the unused stock of things in my drawer and a creamy cake. I have recently moved to Mumbai, so very few people had my contact number, so I only got few calls to wish happy birthday. The important ones came obviously. And the best part, my parents called at 12 am. On every birthday they used to call me in the morning ritualistically. And I felt happy, differently happy. Bhai was too tired so he slept off. And I ended up doing google hangout with my friends for 2 hours. Hangout has really been a blessing for long distance friend gangs.
The morning was pretty normal. Sleeping till almost noon, weekly chores and of course gifts :D. Gifts are definitely the best part of birthday 😉 . And you know what I got a Barbie as present. I do not know why but I never had a Barbie while growing up, nor did I ever ask for it. Someone has truly said that a girl can never be too old to play with Barbie. At the same time I felt like two persons, a grown up and a kid is embodied in me. At one front I am rising over the fanciness of the birthday celebration. And at the other side I still crave for little joys. Probably the ambivalence of this feel is the real beauty of being a grown-up.
Is it easy to pick up fallen pieces of an old life
And start a new one
Yeah! Atleast I thought so
I told myself
Oh dear lady! Take a break
Loosen up urself, set urself free
And I did that!
But in quest of loosening
The chains that used to keep me bound with my soul
Even those got broken.
I was flying in the sky
Away from every worry
Free from every chain
Felt like an emancipated bird
But those wings had got a life like everything else
I was falling, falling into deep sea
I cried, screamed
But there was no one
Or I cried not loud enough
Or subconsciously I didn’t want anyone to hear me
It was not any sea
It was my old life, THE old me
A breeze was taking me back
Back to my old place
The same place, the only place I didn’t want to go
Oh yeah! Then it occurred to me
It is not possible to leave ANY part of urself behind
Even if u try, they will follow u
Reach u and stick to u
Nothing u do can be undone!!!
It is just a matter of time
Oh I wish I hadn’t cut my chains
Or was it so.
Should I have known
Reach of rope to be loosened up
But how could I have known.
No It was not my fault.
But then whose It was!!